PIXELS Movie Spoiler Rant!

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Yesterday I attended a private screening of the new Adam Sandler film PIXELS.

I heard that it was going to be in the same vain as Ghostbusters. Well it could have been, but sadly it was not.

Directed by the Chis Columbus, the same person who wrote Gremlins, The Goonies, and directed Home Alone and the 1st Harry Potter film.

As many Sandler films in the past this film begins with a flash back showing Sandler and Kevin James as children in the 80’s.

The film has amazing special effects, but the script is not strong and lacks in many areas. Also the performances of Adam Sandler and Michelle Monaghan were phoned in and looked like screen test footage. Sandler’s face and attitude through the whole film is he knows that even if the film is shit, he will still make money some how or another.

Peter Dinklage, who is one of the biggest actors right now, was so under use. I was sure that they were going to kill him early on in the film, similar to what happen in Knights of Badassdom. He plays the King of Kong who beat Sandler at Donky Kong when they were kids. It turns out Dinklage’s character was a cheater, and used a cheat code to fight PacMan in New York. How he used a cheat code in “real life” makes no sense, but to find reason in the film will drive you mad.

Josh Gad you can tell was having fun with his character, but he still is nothing to write home about. He plays an old friend of Sandler who is a conspiracy nut. He’s also infatuated with a fictional video game female warrior. During a battle this female warrior appears. She tries to kill Gad’s character, but after he denies to fight her cause he loves her. She drops her weapons and they make out. She then fights for the good guys. No reason is given accept for this, only that he loves her so this 8-bit alien is like “OK”.

Kevin James is actually really good with the script he was given. I do think Kevin James has talent and I enjoyed the 1st Paul Blart film and liked his character in the first Grown Ups. Sadly actress Jan Krakowski, who plays the first lady, is in only two scenes and has no point in the film. We did hear in the beginning of the film that the Presidents and his wife are having problems because she doesn’t like him. However we never see anything like that when her character is on the screen.

Other actors who were so pointless was Brian Cox as the General that doesn’t like Sandler or Gad. He does nothing but yell and say how he doesn’t like the “Arcaders”. Then something that’s really unforgivable is having actor Sean Bean and not killing him off in a comedic fashion. How do you have a film about killer aliens with Sean Bean and NOT kill him off by a giant Centipede monster!

Unforgivable…

In the film we see our “hero’s” fight Space Invaders, Pong, Centipede, Pac-Man, and Doney Kong as the final boss.

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However during a huge on ground battle we see several well known Arcade characters. Such as Burger Time, Frogger, and even Mario from the original Mario Bros. game.

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The aliens also use video clips from the 80’s to tell earth of their attacks. We get to see a poorly 3D Max Headroom. Not only did it not look like Max Headroom, he didn’t even have his well-known twitch.

As the final battle Sandler has to beat Donkey Kong. However while Centipede and Pac-Man were beaten the way they are in the game, Donkey Kong is not.

If you’ve never played the original Donkey Kong, then minimize this page and go play it NOW. Then you will know that how the movie shows Donkey Kong’s defeat is soooo far off from the game.

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In the game you play as Mario trying to save the princess. Who was captured by Donkey Kong and placed on a platform on top of a tower. In the film aliens take some humans as trophies, hence in the final scene they are the Princess’. Sandler for the most treats the real life game much like the arcade game. Jumping over barrels, using the hammer to destroy them, and dogging the fire. However, when it comes to defeating Donkey Kong the movie messed up. In the game you get to the top, jump on the top platform,  save the princess and you’ve won. In the movie, Sandler throws the hammer at Donkey Kong, hitting him and blowing him up.

This makes no sense because the aliens stick to the original game logic, hit the Centipede’s from the front or back to kill them, and with Pac-Man you have to hit him three times to kill him. Why with Donkey Kong do they stray from the game logic? I know it’s just a movie….but come on!

In the end this movie is just one big acquaintance movie. Sandler, who was a child video game prodigy, friend just so happens to be the President during a video game attack. They woman who Sandler goes to to install home audio, just so happens to be an American General, who also works in a technology lab. Sandler happens to be friends with a guy who is a Government Conspiracy nut, that just so happens to film the aliens signal while watching TV (how no one else saw this, I don’t know). Then when Pac-Man shows up the government just so happen to have 4 cars that match the Ghosts from the video game. Then it just so happens that the video game warrior Gad’s character is infatuated with appears, only to diapear when the humans win the battle. Then at the end out of no where Q-bert, who was given as a trophy to the humans, turns into the Warrior for no reason. Then in an after credit scene we see that Gad and the warrior have gotten married, and have Q-bert babies.

In the end, this was not anything close to Ghostbusters. It’s also a ripoff of a Futurerama episode, no seriously look it up. I do think that this film could have been good, funny, and entertaining if it had not been Sandlerized. Also its one of those films that only works as a 3D movie.

If you want to go see a film, go see Jurassic World.

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Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? MOVIE IDEA

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1995 San Francisco, California

Carmen Isabella Sandiego breaks into a house trying to rob millionaire Malcom Avalon of his priceless Asian artifact, while in the process she comes upon a picture of a lady and it starts to cause flashbacks to when she was a child.

An alarm goes off. Carmen goes to grab the artifact only to find out it’s a hologram. Just then several ACME Agents run out trapping Carmen. Agent Suhara is leading the trap. Carmen and Suhara use to be partners back when Carmen was an ACME agent.

Mr. Avalon thanks the agents; Carmen is then taken away to the ACME maximum security prison.

Present Day

We see Gus Thompson, 15, running from some cops. He ducks behind alleyways and between people on the streets. Gun then finds an open door in an alleyway and hides. Inside he hears people talking.

Several members of the criminal organization V.I.L.E. are talking about how they plan on breaking Carmen out and talking about a new method of theft.

At that moment the cops open the door and yell out looking for Gus. Gus gets scared and gets himself caught, but not before being seen by some of the V.I.L.E. cooks.

As the crooks make a quite escape, Gus gets captured. At the station he said he didn’t steal anything and just got scared and ran. The police then find out that he’s living on the streets and call child services. Gus trying to find a way out of going to foster care tells the cops about what he heard. That some guys were talking about breaking out some lady named Carmen Sandiego from prison. The cops look it up and do not find her name in the system. Gus repeats loud as he’s taking to another room, “I swear they were going to break out some chick named Sandiego!”

One of the officers over heard the kid and asks a detective what that was all about. The detective tells the office that some kid if ranting about some woman named Carmen Sandiego is going to break out of prison. The Officer name is Lucy Jones, she’s friends with Suhara and recognizes that name.

Suhara is now retired from ACME and lives in San Francisco in a small apartment. He gets the phone call from Lucy about what Gus had said. Suhara decides to go down to the station to talk to Gus.

At the station a man by the of Vic Slickly asks if a boy matching Gus description was brought in, and he tells the clerk that he’s the boy’s uncle.

The clerk points him in the direction of where Gus is waiting.

Vic Slickly is actually Vic “The Slick”, one of the V.I.L.E. agents that saw Gus. Vic walks up to a detective and tells him the same story he told the clerk. Gus is mad about the possibility of being taken way. He then looks up and sees Vic, right away he recognizes him as one of the people he saw. He tries to wiggle out of the handcuffs.

Suhara then walks in the station and Lucy wants up to him, showing him where Gus is being held. Suhara then sees Vic and knows who he really is.

He yells his name, “Vic the Slick!”

Vic turns around, blowing his cover and recognizing Suhara. He then pushes the detective and runs out a back door, several cops go after him.

Suhara asks the detective to show him to where Gus is, he shows him his retired badge and they let him in.

Suhara asks were he heard the name Carmen Sandiego. Gus explains his story. After hearing all what he had to say Gus is a witness to a crime in process and he needs to take him.

Gus goes with Suhara who tells him the story about Carmen Sandiego. She was a former agent of ACME who for no reason turned traitor and began stealing things around the world. She always managed to escape before being caught, and would use the help of other thieves like Vic to do the majority of her dirty work.

Suhara tells Gus that since he witness a meeting by V.I.L.E. they will try to kill him.

Gus now even more scared then before, does not whole how to take all this in.

As they drive across town, Sahara arrives at what looks like an whole in the all detective agency. He tells Gus that here is where ACME Headquarters are. As they walk inside Gus sees that the real area is hidden inside the store. Revealing a huge world organization lead by The Chief.

The Chief is who saved Carmen when she was an orphan, she trained her and was like a daughter to her.

The Chief welcomes Suhara back to ACME and also agrees to have Gus stay and learn how to be an ACME “Gumshoe”.

Gus soon meets other junior “Gumshoes” and he learns that ACME helps protect the world from crimes against history and civilization.

Suhara asks to see Carmen who is being held underground at ACME Headquarters.

There we see Carmen Sandiego, playing chess by herself. Her and Suhara have some small banter about their past. After reminiscing Suhara asked about V.I.L.E., and when did she last have contact with them.

Carmen acts like she does not know what he means.

They story then leads to V.I.L.E. breaking Carmen out of her cell and The Chief gives Suhara the task of bring her back. She also gives him two of her best young “Gumshoes and Gus.

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If I was casting the role of Carmen Sandiego, I would pick Marion Cotillard.

LONDON, ENGLAND - JULY 18:  Actress Marion Cotillard  attends European premiere of "The Dark Knight Rises" at Odeon Leicester Square on July 18, 2012 in London, England.  (Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

LONDON, ENGLAND – JULY 18: Actress Marion Cotillard attends European premiere of “The Dark Knight Rises” at Odeon Leicester Square on July 18, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images)